The Talent Tournament
by Feyren
Summary: Rikkai, Seigaku, Hyotei, and Shitenhouji host a talent tournament, because they're just that cool.
1. Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Happy belated birthday, Akaya! I would've done this sooner, but... FFnet was being spazzy.

I finish _one _story, and I start two. That's not very smart, is it?

But whatever. I've never been known for my intelligence, haha. Without further ado, I present to you: **The Talent Tournament**!

* * *

"You're kidding me," Marui said flatly. "There is no way you're serious. This is a joke. This is a really, _really _bad joke."

"No, I'm not—" Yukimura began, but Marui cut him off, screaming "la la la" at the top of his lungs.

Kirihara kicked him in the shins with his cleats, and Marui yelped. "Cut it out, senpai," he scowled. "I think it's a great idea."

Yukimura beamed. "I'm so glad you agree, Akaya!"

"Of course he agrees," Marui muttered. "The kid worships the ground you walk on."

"But really," Sanada interrupted, trying to be sensible. "A talent show, Yukimura?"

"Well, why not?" Yukimura defended.

"We have tennis!" Sanada exclaimed. "We are extremely, extremely good at tennis! What else could we possibly need in life?" The non-regulars were watching this conversation with some degree of interest, but Sanada made no attempts to lower his voice. "We have a tournament coming up," Sanada argued. "Shouldn't we be training for that, instead of organizing a talent show?"

"It's not a talent show," Yukimura corrected, mildly offended. "It's a talent _competition. _And it'll better our skills in—well, other fields! We're wonderfully talented when it comes to tennis, yes, but shouldn't we have other skills, too? This is a good way to showcase it, and prove RikkaiDai the best school. We'll be competing with Shitenhouji, Hyotei, and Seigaku."

Niou smiled a slow smile. "I'm in," he offered. "I already know what I'll be doing for the talent competition."

"And, what's that?" Yagyuu inquired, deciding to indulge him.

The glint in Niou's eyes really was worrisome. "Remember when I told you guys about my dance skills?"

* * *

"We will be hosting a talent competition!" Atobe announced one day, randomly in the middle of practice. He was met with silence.

Then Yuushi sighed, half-exasperated. "I definitely saw this coming."

"A _talent competition_?" Shishido demanded, still in the middle of a match. "Are you out of your mind? Do the rest of us have to participate, too?"

"Naturally," Atobe replied haughtily. "You need not worry yourself; ore-sama shall compensate for your lack of talent."

Shishido eloquently flipped Atobe off and served.

"Are we competing amongst ourselves or what?" Gakuto asked, losing interest in the tennis match. However, Shishido's serve ended up hitting his arm while he wasn't paying attention, and he snarled in vengeance. With a flamboyant one-armed backflip, he sent the ball flying back to Shishido's side of the court—or, at the very least, Shishido's head.

"Not amongst ourselves, but amongst other schools," Atobe said, clearly pleased with the sudden attention he gathered. "Specifically, Seigaku—"

The majority of the regulars scowled.

"—RikkaiDai—"

Deeper scowls.

"—and Shitenhouji."

Blank stares. "Who are they?" Gakuto asked, entirely serious.

"The school my cousin goes to," Yuushi specified.

"Oh, right. Oshitari Kentucky, or something?"

"Oshitari _Kenya_."

"Yeah, him."

* * *

"Do _I _have to participate?" Chitose asked, a little pleadingly. "I'm not even on the tennis team anymore."

"But we love you so much, Chitose," Shiraishi joked. "Our little family just isn't the same without you."

"It's just not the same," Koharu and Yuuji agreed. Today they were decked out in matching girls' uniforms, complete with a ruffly (and far too short) skirt, hair clips, and heels. Shiraishi was fairly certain that the heels weren't part of the Shitenhouji school uniform, but supposed that the teachers had decided to humor them.

"It'll be fun," Kenya decided. "I'll run circles around everybody. And duplicate myself. And other speed-related circus tricks."

"Well, I don't like it," Zaizen commented sulkily. "Nobody's going to know who I am. I got, like, a _cameo, _playing tennis with Chitose-senpai, and he essentially stole the spotlight for the entirety of that match, anyway."

"What is there to display?" Gin asked. "We're tennis players."

The regulars contemplated that for a moment.

"We're talented," Kenya persisted. "We're a natural-born set of nutcases. We'll think of something."

"I already know what I'm gonna do for my act!" Kintarou declared.

"And what's that, Kin-chan?" Shiraishi inquired.

"My Super Ultra Great Delicious Giant Swing Mountain Storm!" he cheered, and whipped out a tennis ball and racquet.

"A demonstration isn't necessary," Chitose said quickly, but—

_"Take cover!" _

* * *

"It is my great regret to announce that we will be participating in a talent competition," Tezuka said, with the regulars gathered around him.

"But we have a tennis tournament coming up," Momoshiro protested. Tezuka's scary-glasses-glint interrupted him, and Inui sulked a little at having his trademark scary-glasses-glint taken away from him.

"I am fully aware of that—this will significantly decrease the amount of practice time we'll have. However, I expect you all to make up practice hours on your own time. We will be competing against Shitenhouji, RikkaiDai, and Hyotei, so it is likely that they will also lose practice-time; we will not be at a disadvantage. This, however, is not an excuse to let your guard down."

"But why a talent competition, nya?" Eiji wondered, although admittedly, he was wondering more about which of his amazing acrobatic abilities he ought to show off, more.

"For this, you can blame Fuji," Tezuka said flatly. "He'd made the deal without my knowledge."

All eyes turned to the quaintly smiling brunette, whose smile simply widened when he saw Tezuka's disapproving stare. "Well, why not?" he asked serenely. "It'll be good for inter-school relations. Echizen, you'll be able to face off with Kintarou-kun, won't you? Eiji, you'll be able to settle your rivalry with Mukahi. Taka-san, I'm sure you'll be very happy to see Gin-san. Tezuka, I've been told that Chitose will be present. Momo, I'm sure a rematch with Oshitari is due. Kaidou, won't it be interesting to note whether you or Jackal of RikkaiDai have more stamina? And Inui, won't it be wonderful to compare data with Yanagi? And Oishi—you just know that _somebody _is going to wind up injured from all of this. Won't you be delighted to be able to help them?"

_Fuji, _Tezuka thought bitterly, _would make a very good lawyer. _Judging from the way his teammates' expressions had instantly turned from dubious to earnest, he decided that yes, Fuji would make a good lawyer, indeed.


	2. Breaking the Fourth Wall

It was rather amusing to observe the looks on the tennis players' faces, all gathered around Hyotei's entranceway. Some amused, some infuriated, some excited—but most with a resigned look of resentment.

"We feel we should explain the rules first," said Yukimura, and the three other captains nodded. "First of all, as I'm sure your respective captains have all explained, this is a friendly competition between schools. Friendly." He paused to let the other students contemplate this for a moment. "This, however, does not mean—under any circumstances—that you shouldn't do your best to win. And if that means psychologically scarring your opponents, so be it. It'll be fine entertainment for the captains."

"Wait!" Marui protested. "The captains aren't participating?"

A chorus of complaints rang from the crowd.

"Atobe-buchou! What are we going to do without you?"

"Shiraishiiiiii! You're the stupid Bible, damnit! Bibles don't drop out of competitions!"

"Bibles aren't stupid, either . . ."

"Tezuka, what are we going to do without your Tezuka Zone?"

"Mura, you own, like, everybody. If you drop out, we're screwed."

Atobe snapped his fingers, and the crowd instantly fell silent. "Ore-sama shall deign to respond to your questions," he announced. "The captains will be participating in a final face-off, but will not be participating in the first round."

"There are _rounds_? I thought this was just a contest!"

"It's a tournament," Shiraishi corrected. "And I realize that this is completely out of the blue and random, but c'mon. It's an irresistible idea. Ecsta—"

"It's a _tournament? _How much time is that going to take?" Shishido demanded. "We have a tennis tournament in a few weeks! We can't waste any time on a stupid talent tournament!"

"Well, why not?" Fuji inquired. His voice was soft and velvety. "Are you saying you have no talents to showcase, Shishido?"

"_Excuse me_?"

A self-satisfied smile. "Saa . . ."

Atobe snapped his fingers so many times, his fingers threatened to fall off. "You will each be randomly paired with another player," he continued. "That player will be your partner for the remainder of the tournament. You will both share the victory—or the loss. In each round, we will provide you with a prompt or a theme; you will follow that prompt to the best of your ability. For example, the theme might be "culinary arts." How you decide to interpret or incorporate the prompt is entirely up to you, but it must be relevant. We might tell you to dance, and we might tell you to sing. We could tell you to jump off a cliff. _And you'd have to do it._"

"Le gasp!" the regulars chorused.

Atobe seemed disappointed. "Stop trying to be French," he ordered. "Your French is a disgrace to ore-sama's ears."

Tezuka cleared his throat. "In any case, the two winners of the tournament will be granted unlimited access and free membership to any tennis club in Japan, courtesy of Atobe Keigo."

The regulars' faces brightened at the mention of tennis.

"However," Tezuka continued, "_no tennis _is to be incorporated in this tournament."

"No tennis?" Ryoma looked like he'd just seen his cat die, then come back to life, only to get hit by a car and die all over again.

"No tennis," Tezuka repeated firmly.

"The tournament won't last longer than a week," Shiraishi added. "So it's okay."

"ONE WEEK OF NO TENNIS?" everyone except the captains sobbed. "How is that okay?"

"But you get to dance," Shiraishi tried. "And sing! And . . . stuff . . ."

Everyone (including the other captains) gave him a disappointed you-fail-at-life glare. "Just stop talking, Shiraishi."

"You know, this isn't really a talent show," Ryoma said suddenly. "If we have to go by prompts and all, then it's really just a question of who can BS something on the spot better than other people. Besides, tennis counts as a talent. Some of us are better than others. Namely me."

Everyone contemplated this for a moment.

"Regardless," Atobe said, because he didn't want to be wrong, "you have to abide by these rules. And this is a talent show whether you say so or not. You're just a freshman."

"Correction," Ryoma . . . corrected. "I'm the Prince of Tennis."

"Technicalities," said Atobe. "MOVING ON. All expenses will be covered by me—within reason, of course. Ore-sama will not give you twenty-million yen just so you can demonstrate your spectacular helicopter-riding abilities, or something (which pale in comparison to ore-sama's helicopter riding abilities). You have to actually demonstrate a _talent._"

"The three captains and I will be the judges of the competition," Yukimura continued. "Therefore, you are completely at my mercy."

"_Our _mercy," said Atobe, offended.

"Wait, that's not fair!" Kikumaru interrupted. "Won't you just give your own team a higher rating?"

"The teams are going to be mixed," Shiraishi explained. "You'll be assigned a random partner—and the odds that your partner will be a regular from your team are very low. So it's impossible for us to be biased."

Yukimura smiled tenderly, and everybody who'd made eye contact with him felt a little dizzy. "Besides, a player from our team winning wouldn't necessarily benefit the entire team—only the person on the team."

"But as judges, you're not going to get anything out of it," Zaizen noted.

Yukimura looked blank. "Excuse me, but who are you?"

"One of my players," Shiraishi said dismissively. Zaizen went to sulk in a corner while Shiraishi added, "It's a long story, but—let's just say Atobe, Yukimura, Tezuka and I ended up winning six of those unlimited-access tickets. We have two extra—why not host a tournament?"

"Why not do a raffle or something?" Jackal asked dubiously.

"Because," Yukimura replied, "this is so much more amusing."

"If you're not going to get anything out of it, why participate in the final round at all?" Ryoma challenged.

Yukimura gave him an annoyed look that blatantly said stop-doubting-me-or-I-might-hurt-you. "Well, why _not_?" he demanded. "I like showing off just as much as the rest of you."

"I'm confused," Momoshiro decided.

"When are you _not _confused?" Kaidou muttered.

Yukimura put a hand on his hip and frowned. "You know, if you'd let me explain the rules, you wouldn't be confused."

RikkaiDai turned their how-dare-you-offend-my-captain glare on Momoshiro and Kaidou, who backed away collectively.

Tezuka gave a long-suffering sigh and said, before a fight could break out, "In the semi-final, each captain will be assigned a duo, and will be assigned to assist that duo in their performance. The eliminated players will act as judges."

"Don't worry about it yet," Atobe said condescendingly. "Most of you plebeians won't make it that far, anyway."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Atobe," Yuushi said sarcastically.

"We'll be organizing the pairs, now," Atobe announced, ignoring him. "How many people do we have?"

"Exactly thirty," Tezuka replied, doing a quick head count. "Seven from RikkaiDai, seven from Hyotei, eight from Seigaku, and eight from Shitenhouji."

Atobe nodded. "Good, we have an even number. I was afraid I'd have to bring Taki into this."

"Who's that?"

"Exactly," said Atobe.

"I feel like most of this chapter has just been the captains insulting the lesser known regulars," Fuji commented.

Akaya gave him an odd look. "Did you just break the fourth wall?"

"Taka-san broke a wall, once," Fuji said pleasantly. "He was in his Burning Mode."

"_Anyway,_" Shiraishi said, "Yagyuu, Niou, Yanagi, Kirihara, Mukahi, Shishido, Akutagawa, Inui, Kikumaru, Kawamura, Oishi, Kin-chan, Chitose, Koharu, and Zaizen—write your names on this slip of paper. When you're done, fold the paper in half and put it in—wait, do we have a hat or a box we can use?" Shiraishi asked.

Ryoma took off his cap and held it protectively to his chest, daring anyone to come within a ten meter radius of his hat.

Yukimura went ahead and lifted Sanada's cap from his head. "Use this," he offered brightly.

Sanada's head felt awfully naked, but he refrained from protesting.

"Now, the rest of you, form a line. Each of you will pick a name from Sanada's sacred hat, and that person will be your partner for the rest of the tournament," Yukimura finished.

The remaining regulars looked at each other warily. ". . . who wants to go first?"


	3. Meet the Cast

"Sanada, why don't you go first?" Yukimura offered pleasantly, and held out the hat. "It's your cap, after all."

The look on Sanada's face heavily implied that he didn't care for this competition in any way whatsoever, but for the sake of his pretty, pretty captain, he reached in and pulled out a sheet of paper. "Inui Sadaharu," he read, and seemed vaguely annoyed that his partner would be from Seigaku. "Great."

"Will you and Inui-kun please step to the side?" Shiraishi said, and called, "Next!"

"I'll go!" Momoshiro offered cheerily. "I hope it's someone from Seigaku."

"That's highly unlikely," Atobe informed him. "But for my teammates' sake, I hope it _is _someone from Seigaku."

"Did you just insult me?" Momoshiro asked, offended.

Atobe folded his arms. "So I did. Pull a name out of the hat and let's get moving."

"Fine!" Momo closed his eyes and pulled out a random piece of paper. ". . . no way."

"Who is it?" Eiji asked eagerly.

"Konjiki Koharu," Momo said slowly. "Oh dear God no get me out of here help somebody _heeeeeeeelp_—"

Koharu beamed. "I hope we'll get along well, Momo-jiri-kun!" he said, frolicking over to Momo's side and nuzzling his cheek.

"IT'S MOMOSHIRO!"

Atobe ignored him. "Next!"

Fuji was assigned Chitose, and the two of them greeted one another pleasantly. Kaido was assigned Yanagi, Yuushi with Yagyuu, Choutaro with Taka-san, Gin with Shishido, Kabaji with Eiji, and Niou with Kenya.

Kenjirou (you know, that guy nobody knows about from Shitenhouji) pulled out a sheet of paper and read, "Mukahi Gakuto?"

Gakuto walked over to him and gave him a long stare. Kenjirou stared back. They both just stared for like, ten minutes, and then Gakuto said, "Hello. Who are you?"

Kenjirou face-faulted.

"I'll go next," Jackal offered, and pulled out a random slip of paper. He looked at the name in surprise. "Akaya."

"OMGYAY!" Akaya cheered. "Jackal-senpai's my partner!"

"Nobody else got somebody from their own team," Jackal mourned, "and I'm stuck with the overgrown fourteen year old child I have to babysit everyday, anyway. Life just isn't fair to the bald. Kami-sama, do you want me to wear a wig or something?"

"Echizen, why don't you go next?" Fuji offered.

"Fine," Echizen said, and walked over to the hat apathetically. He apathetically pulled out a sheet of paper. He unfolded the paper apathetically. He read the name a lot less apathetically. "Tooyama Kintarou."

The expression on his face quite obviously said, _Crap. _

But apathetically.

Because he's just that apathetic.

"Yay, I'm with Koshimae!" Kintarou cheered. "Yayayayayayay—"

"Please," Echizen said, "stop talking."

Yuuji went next. The flamboyantly gay guy from Shitenhouji whose doubles partner (among other things) is constantly cheating on him. It was apparent from the remaining people's faces that everyone was begging, _Please don't let him pick me, please please please please please._

"It's too bad I'm not with Koharu," he commented, then beamed. "But I'm sure I'll fall madly in love with whomever I pick, anyway! And then we can have a threesome when this whole thing is over!"

Everyone's faces paled as Yuuji reached for a slip of paper.

"Oishi Shuichiro," he read. His smile lit up his face. "That's fantastic! You'll be great for a threesome—especially since you and Koharu are both bald and everything."

"I'm not bald!" Oishi protested, but then Yuuji practically pounced on him, and Atobe neatly sidestepped them, holding out the hat.

"Who's next?" Atobe asked, ignoring Oishi's pleas for help.

"I'll go," Marui offered, and pulled out a name. "No one left from RikkaiDai, huh? That sucks. Lemme see . . . Akutagawa Jiroh."

Jiroh practically squealed. "This is so awesome do you see this Atobe I get to be partners with my idol oh happy day I love my life yay!" He latched onto Marui's arm and rambled, "I still have that wristband you gave me at the Newcomer's Tournament! The Wilson one? Do you remember?"

"I didn't _give _it to you," Marui protested. "You forcibly ripped it from my wrist!"

"Same difference!" Jiroh insisted.

"So, who's left?" Yukimura asked, ignoring everybody's protests about their partners.

"I'm not sure," Tezuka commented. "We have fourteen pairs already, so there should be two people left—but I don't see them."

"WE'RE RIGHT HERE," Zaizen and Hiyoshi yelled simultaneously. "We're standing right in front of you, damn it!"

"So you are," Shiraishi said offhandedly.

"Alright, you two are a pair, then," Yukimura decided, in a tone of voice that implied he didn't really care. Poor Zaizen and Hiyoshi.

"Next, tell your partner something about yourself, to get to know one another," Tezuka ordered. "When you're done, focus your attention on the captains and stay silent."

"Yes sir," everybody chorused, and turned back to their partners.

x

"I'm flippy," Gakuto said flatly.

"I'm the fukubuchou of Shitenhouji," Kenjirou replied.

Gakuto looked totally unimpressed. "You don't have any defining characteristics, do you?"

"Shut up," said Kenjirou.

What a wonderful pair they'll make.

x

"My teammates imply I'm scary," Fuji said. "I can't imagine why. Just because I like to scare people out of their wits and torture them by any means possible doesn't make me scary, does it?"

"Um," said Chitose.

"Come on," Fuji persisted. "Haven't you ever been misunderstood?"

"Well, people do say I have a sister complex," Chitose said thoughtfully. "Even though I'm pretty sure I don't. I mean, just because I hit every male who comes within ten feet of her with a tennis ball doesn't mean I have a sister complex, right?"

"Exactly!" Fuji exclaimed. "People say I have a brother complex, but I definitely don't. I mean, just because I take my brother out on dates and beat the hell out of Mifluki doesn't mean I have a brother complex!"

"We really do have a lot in common," Chitose agreed.

"Us misunderstood geniuses," Fuji mourned.

They sighed.

x

Eiji said tentatively, "Hi there, Kabaji-kun! We played a match once, remember? Just before Seigaku faced RikkaiDai?"

"Usu."

"And then you tried to copy my acrobatics," Eiji continued, looking a little pissed off. "Remember that, nya?"

"Usu."

"And then I beat you," Eiji added, pleased. Remember _that_?"

"Usu."

He beamed. "We'll make a great team, nya!"

". . . usu."

x

"So," said Yuushi.

"Mm," said Yagyuu.

"I play doubles with Gakuto," Yuushi offered.

"And I with Niou," Yagyuu replied.

"Hmm."

"Mm."

x

Choutaro bowed lowly. "I hope we'll work well together, Kawamura-san!"

Taka-san looked embarrassed. "Please, just call me Taka."

"Okay, Taka-san," Choutaro replied obediently.

They both stood there, radiating niceness.

x

"And then you pulled off that Tightrope Walking move," Jiroh gushed, "and I was like, star struck! By then you were already beating me five games to two, but man, it was the most amazing day of my life! And then, after the match, I got to see you with your teammates and you actually said _hi to me! _I was _so _happy, because your moves are just awesome and you were actually nice enough to greet me and you're just, like, perfect, and—"

"And then you ran over to me like a rabid puppy and almost broke my arm, trying to steal my wristband," Marui finished, vaguely annoyed.

x

Hiyoshi and Zaizen stared at each other.

"Who are you?" they asked simultaneously.

"I'm Zaizen, from Shitenhouji," Zaizen said.

"I'm Hiyoshi, from Hyotei," Hiyoshi said.

They stared.

"This is the first time I've heard of you," Hiyoshi admitted.

"Ditto," said Zaizen.

They frowned. "I'm always forgotten," they said simultaneously, then looked at each other in surprise. "No way! You too?" they exclaimed at the same time. Then, annoyed, they said (simultaneously), "Stop copying me. No, _you _stop copying me. No, you!"

They sighed. Simultaneously. "Woe is me," they said. Simultaneously.

x

"Are we all ready?" Yukimura asked. How his soft, slightly feminine (but like hell he'd ever admit it) was heard over the clamor was nothing short of a miracle. "If so, the captains will be announcing the rules for round one."

A dismal chorus of agreement rang out, and Yukimura smiled his I'm-so-happy-I'm-not-you smile. "Then let's proceed."


	4. The Corner of Shame

"These rules are top secret," Atobe said, "so we're going to have to transport you to an area of the upmost secrecy."

The regulars perked up at the idea of getting to ride a limo or a helicopter.

"We'll be walking," Atobe added. "You are not worthy of ore-sama's helicopter."

The regulars were too offended to show outright disappointment, but inside, they were all thinking: Damn.

It was a long, annoying walk, and even more annoying when they realized that Atobe had essentially brought them to a large field in the middle of nowhere. No chairs, no television—not even a tennis court.

"Okay, rules," Shiraishi said. "First of all, no defying the captains. Repeat after me: I. May. Not. Defy. The. Captains."

There was a chorus of mumbles from the crowd, and Shiraishi nodded, satisfied.

There was a pause.

". . . that's it?" Marui asked. "That's the only rule?"

"Well, yes," Shiraishi replied. "That's the only important factor in the entire competition. You obey us. That's all."

"And if we choose not to obey you?" Momoshiro challenged.

The captains (except Tezuka, because he was too busy being stoic) stepped up and punched their fists into the palms of their hands menacingly. "We will . . ."

Then they pulled out tennis racquets from a fifth dimension and said, ". . . kick your ass in a game of tennis."

Momoshiro made a sad face.

"On second thought," Yukimura said . . . thoughtfully, "we should have another rule. Anyone who annoys the captains shall be assigned to The Corner of Shame. For an undetermined period of time."

Eiji looked at Momo in horror. "Oh, Momo!" he wailed. "Don't go to the corner of shame!"

"Capitalized," Yukimura said firmly. "It's The Corner of Shame. Not the corner of shame."

Eiji arched an eyebrow in confusion. "How can you even tell?"

Atobe stepped forward and folded his arms. "The Corner of Shame. Now."

"But there's no corner!" Kintarou protested. "How can we go to the corner if there's no corner? We're outside! We're not even on the tennis courts! We're . . . in an area of isolated isolation."

"The Corner of Shame," Yukimura ordered. "Just find some especially isolated area in this area of isolated isolation and be isolated. Go." He waved vaguely to some area, and the shamed three trudged along. Then, addressing the other players, Yukimura continued, "This area is where we'll be meeting, generally. Because our talent competition will require anything from strip dancing to jumping off a plane, our performance locations will vary. Sometimes, we'll use this plain. Other times, we'll bust into buildings illegally. Maybe blow them up. Who knows?" He shrugged, like he was wondering whether or not it would rain on Saturday.

The regulars oohed and ahhed at the thought of blowing something up.

Yukimura looked pleased. "I thought you all might like that idea."

"Anyway," Shiraishi said, "it's all pretty simple. We'll give you the specific guidelines for each round, and you'll just have to follow them. Be creative." He paused. "But not too creative, because then we might get sued."

Atobe nodded. "And ore-sama doesn't want to have to give up his best lawyers—or even his worst lawyers—to help you."

Tezuka looked like he'd have rolled his eyes if he weren't so insanely stoic, and said, "Shouldn't we give them the rules for the first round?"

"Right, right," Yukimura agreed. "Okay. For the first round, we'll be focusing on singing."

The regulars stared blankly.

"Singing," Yukimura emphasized. "You know, doing that thing where you kind of change the pitch in your tone to make it sound pretty?"

"We know what singing is," Hiyoshi replied. "But _why_?"

Yukimura folded his arms and looked extremely, extremely annoyed. "Who in the world are you, anyway?" he demanded softly in his soft voice which shouldn't have been possible but _was _possible because he was Yukimura. "There are too many irrelevant people here. Didn't I tell the captains only to invite the relevant people?"

"He's relevant," Atobe said halfheartedly. "Ish."

"Anyway, we're making you sing because it will be amusing for the captains," Shiraishi answered. "That's all you need to know."

"And there are two of us per group," Niou piped up. "How are we supposed to sing with two people?"

"A duet," Tezuka said flatly.

Atobe paused. "No," he decided. "That's too boring. We should make it a skit."

"A _skit_?" the regulars whined.

"Yes, a skit," Atobe said firmly.

"I like that idea," Yukimura commented. "That's a very, very good idea."

"You'll have to pick songs from a hat," Shiraishi noted. "We wouldn't want you all to pick the same song, or something like that."

Yuushi looked wary. "The songs will be… reasonable, won't they? You won't condemn us to sing a Disney song, or something equally disgracing?"

Fuji's smile was wicked. "I think that's a brilliant idea."

"I don't," Yuushi said hurriedly. "I don't."

"You'll have to wait and see," Yukimura said dismissively. "Sanada, I'll need your sacred hat again."

Sanada grudgingly took off his cap, gave it one last forlorn look, and handed it over.

"You'll be judged on creativity, your singing capabilities, enthusiasm… all that jazz," Shiraishi explained. "If it's stupid and boring, expect to get kicked out. And if you make it stupid and boring on purpose _in order _to get kicked out because you don't want to participate, expect to get kicked out of the tennis club. We'll know if you're faking it."

The regulars gasped like they'd just been ordered to stab a kitten, then jump off a bridge.

"You'll have roughly two days to prepare," Tezuka said. "The first round will begin two days from today. You will perform your skit at the Hyotei auditorium. We, as the judges, will be your only audience."

"Two days? That's it?" Shishido protested. "That's like, nothing!"

"Two days should be okay," Choutarou said quietly. "I mean, this is a demonstration of our abilities to work with other people and to think on our feet, isn't it? I think it should be fine."

The rest of the regulars stared at Choutarou, like they weren't sure whether they ought to commend him for being so noble, or whack him upside the head for being so naïve.

While they weren't looking, Atobe and Shiraishi scribbled a bunch of songs on tiny slips of paper, and shoved the inordinate scraps into Sanada's hat against all laws of physics, looking absurdly pleased with themselves. "Let's go," Shiraishi ordered. "One representative from each group. Pick a song."

"Can I go first?" Akaya asked eagerly, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Please please please please please can I go first?"

"No," Jackal said firmly. "With your luck, you're going to end up picking something like… like… like Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid, and then we're actually going to have to sing that, and you might have no sense of self-preservation whatsoever, but I do, and I refuse to sing that!"

Akaya held up both of his hands, eyebrows raised. "Geez, chill. I won't go first."

Jackal mumbled something about being bald in reply.

"It doesn't matter who goes first," Atobe said, annoyed. "If one of you doesn't volunteer to go first, then I'm just going to pick random songs and assign them to you. And I _will _give you all terrible songs just out of spite."

"What do you have to be spiteful for?" Yuuji asked. "It's not like you're on the verge of losing all your dignity." He was still clinging and cuddling with Oishi's arm, who looked rather traumatized.

Atobe put a hand on his hips. "You are delaying my amusement," he replied, "and that annoys me."

"I'll go first," Fuji volunteered. "If that's okay with you, Chitose?"

Chitose nodded. "It's fine."

So the brunette skipped forward, and rainbows and sunshine trailed after him. "I wonder what song I'll get," he mused, and reached into the (extremely shallow) hat. The slip of paper he pulled out was folded into tiny, tiny squares, and he unfolded it with agonizing meticulousness.

"What song is it?" someone shouted from the back of the anxious crowd.

Fuji beamed. "Chitose and I will be singing a ballade. Check Yes Juliet." He gave a look at Atobe. "Why did you put American songs in here?"

Atobe shrugged in an elegantly careless manner that only he could pull off. "It's a nice song," he said. "You'll find that there are Russian songs, Japanese songs, American songs, French songs, opera and rap, pop and classical music... Be awed by ore-sama's musical tastes."

"How the heck would one sing classical music?" Marui demanded. "Nutjob."

"The Corner of Shame," Atobe commanded.

"Fine! At least in The Corner of Shame, I'll be safely away from Jiroh."

"No," Jiroh wailed. "Atobe, can I go to The Corner of Shame, too?"

"As you like," Atobe said graciously.

"Yay!" And he bounded happily after Marui, who gave a groan of annoyance and walked a little faster.

"Well? Who's next?"


	5. Song Selection Starts

I'M BACK! ISH!

Still super busy, but let's face it—I am not me without Prince of Tennis. And I missed you all too much to leave forever, haha. (And now watch it turn out everyone's forgotten about this fic.)

If you haven't heard these songs before, I really do recommend searching them up, haha. Especially Caramelldansen. And Fukkireta.

ALSOALSOALSO YOU SHOULD PESTER **CERU** AND TELL HER TO UPDATE. HI CERU I UPDATED BEFORE YOU SO I WIN. :)

(Also, hey guys! For everyone who's reviewed any of my stories - and to whom I've yet to reply, thank you so much for reviewing! I wish I could send you all individual review-replies like I used to, but right now I just don't have the time. However, as soon as I regain my footing in terms of academics and extracurriculars, I promise to thank you all individually! For now, just bear with me, and know you have my thanks in spirit, haha. /thumbs up)

* * *

Momoshiro and Kikumaru shared an evil grin, then shoved Echizen forward, who yelped in a highly undignified manner.

"We're glad you volunteered, Echizen," Shiraishi said warmly, and shoved the hat in his face. "Please pick a song."

Echizen looked awfully miserable and he dipped his hand into the hat of doom.

The group held its breath as he pulled out a sheet of folded paper.

The group's faces turned blue as it continued to hold its breath as Echizen unfolded the paper.

The group started to gag from lack of oxygen as Echizen lowered his cap, then looked up with a smirk.

"The Tennis Song," he said.

Blank stares. "What?"

"It's called The Tennis Song," Echizen repeated.

Kintarou laughed hysterically. "You're making that up, Koshimae," he exclaimed, slapping his knee like it was the best joke he's heard in his life.

Echizen held out the paper. "Look. It says The Tennis Song."

Atobe pulled out a bottle of wine from the same fifth dimension in which he got his tennis racquet, took a dainty sip, put a hand on his hip and frowned. "It's from a musical. City of Angels. And it's about tennis."

The regulars suddenly seemed a thousand times more eager. "Are there songs about tennis here?" someone asked excitedly.

"No," Atobe said, with all the flippancy of someone who crushed other people's dreams daily. "That's the only tennis song."

"Aww," everyone moaned. "Of course Echizen gets The Tennis Song."

"I'm the title character," Echizen replied, crossing his arms. "Mada mada dane."

Echizen looked smug as he walked away, and Kintarou skipped after him like he'd just won the lottery. Twice. Then beat Yukimura at a game of tennis. Which is impossible, of course, because he's _Yukimura. _But really. That's how happy he was.

That was a stupid analogy. Nobody beats Yukimura at tennis.

"Damn straight," said Yukimura.

"Did you just break the fourth wall?" Sanada asked. "Again?"

"I didn't break the fourth wall twice!" he protested. "Fuji did it the first time. How did you mistake me for him?" He looked terribly hurt.

"How did you mistake _me _for _him_?" Fuji demanded, looking terribly annoyed.

"Wait, why did no one notice that _I _broke the fourth wall?" Echizen muttered.

The three tennis geniuses stared Sanada down. He decided it was a good time to back away.

"I'll go next," Choutaro offered meekly, "if no one else is willing."

He and Taka-san stepped forward, and Choutaro picked out a slip of paper. "Poker Face," he read. "I wonder what that is. Do you poke people in the face? It's about a face poker, isn't it? Taka-san, do you like face-poking?"

"I wonder," Taka-san said, naively.

The two of them pondered this for a few moments.

"Next!" Yukimura called. "Let's make this quick. Akaya, don't you want to pick a song?"

In all honesty, he _didn't _want to pick a song, but c'mon. It was Yukimura who asked. How could he say no?

That's right. He couldn't.

Akaya walked forward like somebody on death row. Jackal fidgeted. Akaya had terrible luck, he knew. Maybe he ought to jump forward and pick the song instead. Wait, he had terrible luck, too. Never mind… But what if Akaya had worse luck? Maybe this would be the difference between moderately bad and completely awful! Maybe he ought to go ahead and tell Akaya to let him pick—but what if that insults Yukimura? After all, Yukimura _did _tell Akaya to pick; and Yukimura's word is law. But surely Yukimura did so with the intention of relieving Akaya's pain; Akaya _is _Yukimura's favorite. But what if—

He sighed. "Team politics," he muttered.

Then Jackal heard Akaya's horrified scream and jumped.

"What?" he asked, panicky. "What happened? Did you throw a fork at your neighbor's cat again?"

Thenhe remembered they were in an isolated field of isolation and calmed down.

And _then_ he remembered Akaya was picking out the song of doom and started panicking again.

"What'd you pick?" Jackal demanded.

"F-f-f-fukkireta," Akaya whimpered.

"That song in which one wiggles one's hips an awful lot while singing in a chipmunk voice?" Jackal asked slowly.

A nod.

Silence.

Then everyone in the group burst into hysterical laughter.

"Calm down, everybody," Shiraishi called. "Next person, please step forward."

Chitose and Fuji stepped forward. The light and wind struck them at just the right angle, and they looked like two brilliant, ethereal superstars. "We'll go," they said in unison.

As if the hand of tennis had moved the wind itself, the breeze blew one slip of paper from the hat into Fuji's hands.

Everyone's jaws fell to the floor. That just defied physics.

Fuji unfolded the paper delicately, then raised one dainty hand to cover his mouth. "Oh my tennis," he exclaimed softly. Yes, he exclaimed softly. Because all the Fuji Syusukes of the world can exclaim softly.

"What?" Chitose inquired, reaching for the paper. "In the name of tennis!" he exclaimed.

"WHAT?" everyone demanded impatiently.

"We will be performing the Black Swan Pas de Deux of Swan Lake," Fuji announced.

See, here's the thing.

If it were any other pair, the group would've laughed at them, pointed fingers, maybe thrown a few tomatoes here and there.

But this was Fuji and Chitose.

The gifted! The beautiful! The elegant! The talented! The wielding weapons, daggers, poisons, and heavy artillery!

So everyone just applauded weakly.

"Say, Tezuka," Yukimura commented, "you're a classical music fan, aren't you?"

"Quite," he responded.

"Then you're aware of the story behind this variation?"

"Yes, it's the scene in which the Black Swan seduces the prince and causes the White Swan's downfall," Tezuka replied calmly.

"Yes, that's what I thought it was," Yukimura replied, satisfied. A pause. "It suits the two of them quite well."

"Indeed."

"I do wonder what sort of twist they'll put on this."

"As do I."

"Hmm."

"Mmm."

"I'm thinking poison," Fuji said as they walked away.

"Oh, I was thinking daggers," Chitose said ponderingly.

"Let's do both," Fuji offered.

"Good idea!"

"There's seduction involved, right?"

"Yes."

"I do wonder how we'll go about doing that," Fuji contemplated. "Maybe succubae."

"Soul-eating demons," Chitose said approvingly. "I like that."

Everyone else backed away a few hundred feet.

"NEXT," Atobe ordered.

"We may as well," Yuushi muttered, and Yagyuu followed, looking highly annoyed and unwilling, as only a gentleman can.

Yuushi dipped his hand unceremoniously into the hat and pulled out a sheet of paper, then read it, paling as he did so. "Um," he said.

"What did you pick?" Yagyuu inquired, looking over his shoulder. He read it, then paled. "Um."

The two gentlemen paled until their faces were entirely white, repeating "um" like they were Kabaji.

"Whaaaaaat?" Gakuto demanded. "Tell me!"

"I take offense to this," Yuushi said at last, "for I am not European."

"Huh?" Gakuto bounded forward and grabbed the slip of paper from Yuushi. He glanced at it, tried to make sense of the English, then burst into laughter and fell to the floor.

"What'd they get?" Niou asked curiously.

Gakuto cleared his throat and stood up again, trying to contain his chuckles. "Ahem. Gay or European," he announced. "Their song is Gay or European."

"From Legally Blonde?" Yukimura asked Atobe, terribly amused.

Atobe looked at the pair pensively, raised his wine glass as if to toast the song, then nodded. "I think it suits them quite well," he announced. "Next!"

The remaining participants glanced around uneasily.

"If no one comes up I'm just going to assign you stuff," Atobe said seriously.

Everyone still seemed hesitant.

Atobe frowned, then folded his arms. "Fine. Kabaji and Kikumaru. You two will be performing the Grand Adage, also from Swan Lake."

"WHAT!" Eiji yelped. "Why us?"

"Karma for making me go first," Echizen suggested. "Mada mada dane."

"Then why not Momo?" Eiji demanded.

"Alright, to be fair, Momoshiro and Konjiki! You two will be performing Love Story by Taylor Swift."

"Way to throw me under the bus, Eiji-senpai," Momoshiro moaned.

Eiji gave him a thumbs up. "I look forward to your performance!" he sang.

"I think you should give him some of your wine," Momoshiro told Atobe, gesturing to Eiji.

Atobe arched an eyebrow. "Why?"

"So he passes out," Momo snorted.

"Hey!" Eiji protested.

"Taylor Swift is enough to warrant resentment," Atobe contested, amused.

"Swan Lake isn't?" Eiji demanded.

"Swan Lake is sophisticated and respectable," Atobe said primly. "Which is why I shall give Oshitari and Yagyuu-san the honor of performing The Four Cygnets, also from Swan Lake."

"Yay us," Yuushi said flatly.

Yagyuu frowned. "I somehow doubt your sincerity, Atobe-san. Are you sure it is the honor that appeals to you, and not the potential indulgence and amusement of forcing two sophisticated gentleman to feign four little ducks?"

"Perhaps the latter," Atobe admitted.

Marui looked blank. "In Japanese?" he requested.

"Atobe-san just forced the gentlemen to dance ballet and pretend to be ducklings," Niou offered. "I have a whole new respect for the guy."

"Until he makes you dance to the Barbie Girl theme," Marui threatened.

"Good idea!" Yukimura exclaimed. Marui and Niou froze. "Niou, you and Kenya are hereby assigned to the Barbie Girl theme."

Niou stood expressionless for a few moments, closed his eyes, and took several deep breaths. The temperature seemed to drop.

Then he opened his eyes, kept them fixed on Yukimura, and pointed to Marui without so much as glancing at the redhead.

"Caramelldansen," Niou said flatly. "C'mon. You gotta."

Marui's jaw dropped. "No way! That's not fair, I didn't assign you to Barbie Girl on purpose!"

Yukimura considered it for a moment, shared a look with the other captains, then turned to Niou and Marui collectively and said, "It shall be amusing. Your request is granted."

It's a good thing there weren't any bridges, or Marui might have launched himself off of one.

"Let's get on with it," Shiraishi called. "Who's next?"

"Are we still picking out of the hat?" Tezuka inquired, "seeing as you've assigned five songs without using the hat."

"It's funny," Shiraishi admitted. "We're sadists."

"That's a given," Atobe commented. "Tennis players are automatically sadists. Your own Fuji Syusuke is living proof of that."

"We also have magical powers," Yukimura said matter-of-factly. "Your Fuji Syusuke is proof of that as well. I, of course, am better proof. But you understand my point."

"The point being, who's next?"


	6. Song Selection Concludes

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's…

…an update!

Regarding the song selections: I realize that I made some of the characters pick twice. That's an error on my part. The original files have been lost though, so just regard Fuji and Chitose as doing the Swan Lake piece, and Yuushi and Yagyuu doing Gay or European. Sorry about the inconvenience! Continuity becomes an issue when updates are so far in between.

* * *

The song selection continued. Sanada and Inui were assigned to Perfidia, Kaido and Yanagi assigned to California Girls, Gin and Shishido assigned to Fairytale, by Taylor Swift, which compelled Shishido to throw a mini-temper tantrum and storm off into The Corner of Shame for a few minutes. Yuuji and Oishi were assigned to Teenage Dream.

"Mukahi. You next," Atobe commanded.

"No." Gakuto folded his arms across his chest and glared. "I'm going to end up with something stupid. I know it."

"I can assign you something stupid instead," Yukimura offered charitably.

Atobe shook his head. "No need, Yukimura," he said. He marched up to Gakuto and shoved the hat in his face. Sanada gasped at the horror his sacred hat had to endure, while Gakuto choked on a slip of paper that had accidentally made its way into his trachea. Atobe, satisfied, stepped back. "That will be your song."

"The one that he gagged on?" Yuushi inquired.

"Yes," said Atobe.

Yuushi helped him pull out the sheet of paper while Gakuto gasped for air, curled up in the fetal position on the ground. His eyebrows drew together. "There's no song name, Atobe. There's just a YouTube link."

Shiraishi chuckled. "Yes. We know."

Gin looked confused. "What's the song, then?"

"It's a circus tune," Tezuka said.

"What?"

"A circus tune is a tune," Tezuka clarified, "from a circus."

Gakuto feebly sat up, his hand clutching at his chest in an attempt to regulate his breathing. "_What_?"

Tezuka sighed. "A tune," he explained patiently, "is an assortment of notes which create a melodic—"

"We know what a tune is!"

"Oh. I apologize. A _circus_ is a—"

"NO!" Gakuto barked. "Why are we singing to a circus tune! You can't sing to a circus tune! It's a goddamned circus tune! WHY?" On his knees, he raised his hands dramatically to the captains. A breeze ruffled his hair and clothes dramatically. And he stared dramatically. While there was silence. Dramatically.

Yukimura looked torn and heartbroken, on the verge of tears.

Then he beamed as if he weren't going to burst into tears a second ago.

And that's okay.

Because he's _Yukimura_.

"Well," he said, "why not?"

And that was that.

Atobe peered into the hat. "There's one piece of paper left," he observed.

Shiraishi folded his arms. "But that would mean that there's one pair left, and I can't think of… hmm. I'm pretty sure there aren't any pairs left. Is anyone left?"

"Did we have an extra slip by accident?" Yukimura offered.

"That is strange," Tezuka agreed.

"WE'RE RIGHT HERE," Hiyoshi and Zaizen shouted in unison, outraged. "FOR THE LOVE OF TENNIS. COME ON."

"Oh!" Yukimura looked surprised. "Huh. What do you know."

Atobe gloriously handed them the last slip. "There you are," he said, grandiose.

Hiyoshi stared at the sheet of paper. "Call Me Maybe," he said blankly. "That Carly Rae song?"

Marui frowned. "How are we supposed to call you if we don't know who you are?" he demanded.

Eiji tilted his head inquisitively. "Yeah, actually," he said. "Who _are _you?"

Then Hiyoshi and Zaizen jumped off a bridge.

JUST KIDDING. They didn't. They couldn't have because there were no bridges in the secret area of top secret secretness that Atobe had led them to. And also they couldn't have because then there wouldn't be a story, and that would be bad.

So instead they just mourned in a corner while the captains commenced with instructions.

"Let's explain how this is going to work." Yukimura fixed an intense stare on the regulars, who gulped collectively. "You have two days to prepare a skit to your song. It has to be amusing. I like to be amused."

"You may NOT insult any of the captains," Atobe added. "NO INSULTING. You will get points deducted and then we will all hate you. And we'll make your lives miserable. We all have ways of making your lives miserable. We are captains. Do not underestimate our sadistic powers."

"Atobe will direct you to a special area where you can work on your skits. You will be fed. However, as food is not conducive to the atmosphere of this story, it will rarely be mentioned and thus you should aim to eat as little as possible and do as much work as possible so that there is more to talk about in the story." Shiraishi nodded decisively, as if he hadn't broken the fourth wall. Twice.

"Basically we don't care whether you eat or starve so long as people are entertained," Yukimura offered. "Namely us."

Tezuka just stood and looked intimidating.

"But if we don't eat, wouldn't that just make it harder for us to put on a good show?" Momo pointed out.

"I don't care." Atobe folded his arms petulantly.

"But—"

"Don't care."

"What if—"

"Zero caring."

"Then—"

"NO. THE CORNER OF SHAME. RIGHT NOW." Atobe pointed to some isolated area in the area of isolated isolation. "GO."

Momo balked. "But that's _far,"_ he whined. "Isn't there an isolated area in this area of isolated isolation that's closer?"

"If it were closer, it wouldn't be as isolated," Kikumaru pointed out helpfully. Momo glared daggers. "What?" Kikumaru looked confused. "What'd I say?"

"Go," Atobe commanded.

Momo sulked away.

"Actually, come back," Atobe said.

Momo, standing from one hundred thousand meters away, shouted back, "Why couldn't you say that _before_ I walked one hundred thousand meters?"

"Actually, how did you even walk one hundred thousand meters in the span of two seconds?" Jirou pondered.

"And how can you hear us from one hundred thousand meters away?" Marui added.

"And how can _we _hear _you_?" Kaido demanded.

Momo thought about that for a second. "Huh. Good question."

Atobe snapped his fingers and Momo zipped back one hundred meters to the group. "We will now board ore-sama's helicopter," he announced, "and arrive to our next top secret destination."

"A helicopter for _fifty_ people?" Gakuto asked doubtfully.

"Do you doubt my wealth?" Atobe demanded, offended. "Do you doubt the expanse of ore-sama's property? Do you doubt the number of mares I own? Do you doubt the number of square kilomiles that compose my bedroom? Do you doubt the vast number of tennis courts I own? Do you doubt it? DO YOU?"

Gakuto stepped back and held his hands up, looking kind of weirded out. "No, I don't. Chill. It's just that no helicopter could possibly—"

"Stop doubting," Atobe commanded. "Right now."

"But—"

Atobe snapped his fingers.

And Gakuto stopped doubting.

Because that's how it works.

And then the helicopter landed. The regulars gasped. It was…


	7. Forget Physics

…a very tiny helicopter.

"How are we all supposed to fit in that?" Momo whined. "It's like, the size of my foot!"

And it was. It was a three by four foot helicopter. Which made it slightly bigger than Momo's foot, but still too small to fit in.

But it was okay! Because this is crack-fiction!

Ryoma boarded the helicopter while his seniors argued, and the laws of physics screamed in agony. "This is a nice helicopter," he said appreciatively—or, as appreciatively as he could, for someone who generally had no emotions.

Kirihara bounded inside and the rest of RikkaiDai followed. "It _is!_" he exclaimed. "Wow, Atobe-san!"

Atobe flipped his hair with (scarily) practiced ease. "Of course. Be awed by my wealth and prowess."

The remaining tennis players began to board, while Momo alone stood outside and gawked. Forty-something tennis players, spread out over a vast expanse of grass and land, had just fit inside a tiny three by four foot helicopter. "Are you sure there's room?" he asked doubtfully.

"And room to spare," Fuji assured.

Momo stuck one foot inside the aircraft tentatively, and entered.

And gasped.

And gawked.

And fainted.

And woke up, and looked around, and fainted again.

It was_ huge_.

It must have been the size of Atobe's mansion. There were_ stairs_. There was a second floor. There were a minibar and bedrooms. There was a tennis court.

_There was a tennis court_.

"How is this even possible?" Momo said in disbelief, while Kikumaru and Kenya began a speed-clone-tennis duel.

"Their cloning?" Fuji inquired. "I'm not too sure. Oshitari and Eiji do move quickly, but…" He watched in something like awe and amusement while Kenya and Kikumaru cloned themselves and filled the tennis courts.

"No! How does all of this stuff fit in a tiny helicopter?"

Atobe glided past them, holding two expensive-looking champagne flutes. "I'm rich," he explained.

"But—"

"Momoshiro." Oshitari Yuushi said it condescendingly. "He has a blimp with his face on it."

"Well, yeah," Momo conceded, "but—"

The rest of Hyotei gathered around him, with pitying, sympathetic expressions. _Poor kid_, their faces said. _Never been rich before. _Choutaro, the sweetest of the group, said in a sugary, sincere voice, that had Shishido tearing up from emotion and pride and manly friendship, "Have you ever heard of 'screw the rules, I have money'?"

"Hey, there's an ice-skating rink!" Niou exclaimed, a few meters away. "Next to a fake-desert!"

"It's real ice," Marui noted, touching the ice. "I wonder if it's edible."

"It's a real desert, too," Atobe said firmly.

"The change in temperature is astonishing," Yagyuu observed. "Very well done, Atobe-kun."

"Hey, look! Half of me is freezing and half of me is burning!" Kirihara stood squarely between the ice-skating rink and the desert.

Momo fainted.

x

"Let's practice our Caramelldansen skit!" Jiroh exclaimed.

"There's no skit," Marui said flatly. "It's us making bunny ears or something and shaking our hips. That's it."

"Let's practice!"

"There's nothing to practice!"

"We need a skit, Marui-kun." Jiroh sighed with fond exasperation, and looked at him with adoring eyes. Marui shivered. "It's okay though! I wrote one! In the two seconds I've had between this chapter and the previous!"

"Really?" Marui looked dubious, but read the sheet of paper that Jiroh handed him. There wasn't much written on it—just a bunch of scribbles, but… "Hey, wait!" Marui grinned. "This isn't such a bad idea! The captains never _said_ we couldn't do this…" Marui blew a bubble, and clasped a hand on Jiroh's shoulder solemnly. "Akutagawa-kun," he said, "I am very pleased. Let's get to work."

Jiroh died of happiness.

x

"Say, what do you propose we do for our performance?" Fuji inquired.

Chitose frowned. "Well, let's see. It's the scene where the black swan pretends to be the white swan, dances with the prince, has him foolishly proclaim his love for her and thus cause him to inadvertently ruin the white swan forever."

"We could do ballet," Fuji offered. "I look like a girl and you're tall."

"But there are three characters in that scene. What will we do about that?"

"I guess we could borrow one of Eiji's clones," Fuji contemplated. "But anyway, it's a skit, so we can get kind of creative with it."

"What are the rules?" Chitose wondered. "We can't insult the captains."

Fuji nodded. "So harming Tezuka is out of the picture," he said with a sigh. _What a shame_, it clearly said.

"What if… what if we don't insult _Tezuka_?" Chitose offered. "We can just insult someone tall with blondish hair who doesn't talk much and is perpetually grouchy and wears glasses and refuses to congratulate my little sister for winning her junior tennis tournament?"

Fuji's eyes lit up. "That's a great idea! Poisons and daggers?"

"Poisons and daggers," Chitose reaffirmed.

x

"The Tennis Song."

"THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT THE TENNIS SONG WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR OUR PERFORMANCE LET'S PLAY TENNIS LET'S PLAY TENNIS NOW—"

Echizen scowled. "You're really loud. I've never even heard it before."

"It's full of sexual innuendo," Fuji called from the other side of the room.

"It's really dirty," Shiraishi confirmed, from where he was watching the non-captains plan out their skits.

Echizen froze.

"REALLY?" Kintarou shouted excitedly.

Fuji and Shiraishi shared a scary grin. "_I bet you like to play _rough," Shiraishi sang.

Fuji sang back, in scary falsetto, "_I like to work up a _sweat_."_

"_And you just can't get enough_!" Shiraishi wagged his eyebrows.

"_I'm good for more than one set_," Fuji sang slyly. "_Darling, let's not dilly-dally."_ He sidled up to Shiraishi and moved his face dangerously close to Shiraishi's.

Shiraishi was unfazed, and sang into Fuji's face, "_Ready for a-_rousing_ rally?"_

Together, they belted out, "_Shall we say the ball is in your court?"_ and grinned at Echizen with equally scary expressions.

Echizen collapsed.


End file.
